Parenting Advice and Support

by Margaret Hannah, M.Ed, Executive Director, Freedman Center for Child and Family Development at The Massachusetts School of Professional Psychology

Parenthood can bring joy and sorrow, challenges and successes. It can make one feel proud, tired, delighted, bored, and overwhelmed - sometimes all at once. It is not uncommon for a parent to neglect his/her own needs while focusing on those of the child. As it has often been said, parenting is the most important, most wonderful, and most difficult job ever.

Most parents are eager to do a good job. But it seems there is always something to learn: a new technique to try, a different struggle to overcome. Just when a parent feels competent and confident about an appropriate parenting style or technique, the child changes. Confidence and competence may be replaced by feelings of bewilderment and betrayal, as the parent needs to re-think, re-learn, or re-invent his/her approach. How can mothers and fathers learn to enjoy this constantly-evolving parenting puzzle?

It is important to have a plan.

Each new stage of a child’s development is accompanied by changes that, though they may challenge parents, are actually positive proclamations: the child is growing!  Each stage requires a particular parental approach.  Armed with a little knowledge about those stages, parents can nurture the child appropriately, while anticipating and preparing for upcoming changes.

Below are a few tips for each stage of development that have been tried by thousands of parents with success.  Yet the most important thing to remember as a parent is this: Tune into the child you have, trust your gut, and respond accordingly.

Newborn to 6 months

The time to build strong emotional bonds for baby.

Feeding, diapering, cuddling, talking to, and playing with the baby — especially within a predictable pattern — promotes and reinforces growth and development, both social-emotionally and cognitively.  Those simple, everyday, interactive routines provide babies with love, stimulation, and contentment.

6 months to 1 year

The time of movement….think child-proofing!

Parents must look around their own homes and other places (such as a child care center or grandparent's residence) that are frequented by the baby.  What needs to be gated, locked away, removed, readjusted?   Child safety is critical at this time as development is occurring rapidly and parents must be prepared.  A safe environment allows the baby to explore freely, inspiring trust, confidence, and independence.

1 year to 3 years

The time of testing... think limit setting.

Children experience a growth spurt of language and motor development. The baby-to-child is learning cause and effect and likes to see how adults will respond.   It is important for parents/caregivers to be clear and firm about limits.  But while the child's favorite word during this stage may be “no,” parents should remember to use positive reinforcement and make room for “yes” whenever appropriate and possible.

3 years to 6 years

The time to make friends.

Children can now begin to understand what a friend is and will be looking for role models of good friend behavior.  All family members should continue to practice and reinforce turn-taking, waiting, and sharing.  Parents can help children be successful friends by planning play dates that are likely to be successful.  For instance, limit play date length (no more than two hours); schedule play dates for less-busy days; allow children to help plan the event.

6 years to 10 years

The time of structure...and unstructured time.

Children in this age group are in the middle childhood years.  Their major developmental stressor is schooling.  As formal education begins, many new demands are placed on children, both at home and at school: being responsible for paperwork and backpacks; having play or recess interrupted by homework or class time; learning new schedules and tasks.  Children have to adapt to their teachers' styles and to school rules.  They have to learn the social norms of school, organized sports, and other group activities.

Parents must be sure their children understand their “family formula” for discipline, problem solving, and conflict resolution.  Now more than ever, children look to their families to provide safety within structure.

Children benefit when parents and school personnel work together as partners.  Parents should establish honest and respectful lines of communication with teachers and administrators early – before any difficult issues arise -  and encourage the exchange of compliments, questions, ideas, and concerns.

It takes a great deal of energy and self-discipline for children to successfully navigate a school day.  Therefore, their schedules and structures must be offset by free play and down time.  Self-guided play is critical at this stage of children's development; parents need to make room and time for it.  And just as parents need to unwind at the end of each day, so too do young students need to relax and just be...kids.

10 years to 15 years

The time of many emotions: preadolescence!

Preadolescents truly are “be-tweens” —  yearning for independence and acceptance, and eager to voice their opinions, while at times still wanting to be treated like a “kid.”
The parenting challenge is to help the child be confident, make healthy choices, and be appropriately responsible.

Parents need to be clear about family values and also give the preadolescent opportunities to make choices and make mistakes.  They can encourage positive choices by noticing and commenting appropriately.  If a less-than-positive choice has been made, they can notice that too, and offer support and guidance for a healthy choice next time.

During these emotional years, parents should remind themselves to listen to their “tween,” and to send frequent, friendly “I-messages” (i.e., “I saw that you took the recycling bin to the curb.  Thank you!”).  They need to tune into their own feelings of frustration or anger when speaking with their tween, and they should be prepared to remove themselves from the conversation, if necessary.  Most important at this stage of development, parents must make an effort to show respect, faith, and love in all their interactions with their tween – even when it's not easy!

15 years to 18 years

The time of “almost there”: adolescence

The adolescent is quite adult looking, but he/she still needs parental supervision and guidance.  Parents must be clear about their expectations.  They must engage their teen in mutual problem solving, and consequences need to be firm and friendly, in order to encourage the teen to take responsibility.

Goal setting with adolescents tends to be well received as long as the parents can “let go” and realize teens can “own” their choices more easily now than they did as tweens.  Teens have growing negotiating abilities.  They should be allowed to practice these skills –  and allowed to live with the consequences of any failed negotiations.  Teens need to be empowered to learn from their choices and encouraged to follow through on their goals.

Adolescence is ultimately a wonderful time for parent and child alike, as they put the final puzzle pieces into place together, and the teen makes the successful transition to adulthood.

Additional Sources of Information

In addition to the parenting organizations and publications listed on this site, your child's pediatrician, school counselors, and your school's Parent-Teacher Organization/Association may have helpful advice to offer.

Guides from Project INTERFACE

For Parents of Younger Children

For Parents of Older Children

General Resources

Cradles to Crayons provides low-income and homeless children the basic essentials they need to be safe, warm, ready to learn, and valued. Through partnerships with social service agencies, serves tens of thousands of children in need each year. 617-471-8417 or cradlestocrayons.org.

Overwhelmed No More. A free newsletter published by special needs parent coach Joan Celebi that offers tips, info, ideas, and resources to help you successfully navigate life as a parent of a child with special needs. Sign up at www.specialneedsparentcoach.com for a free guide, “The Ten Essentials of Balanced Living for Parents of Children with Special Needs” and the monthly newsletter.

Forensic Nursing provides a section on Children's Safety Resources, “a comprehensive children’s medical and safety resource guide.”

Disclaimer: Material on the Project INTERFACE web site is intended as general information. It is not a recommendation for treatment, nor should it be considered medical or mental health advice. Project INTERFACE urges families to discuss all information and questions related to medical or mental health care with a health care professional.