Helping Children Cope with Traumatic Events

by Deborah Rivlin, Director of Education and Training at The Children's Room: Center for Grieving Children and Teenagers, Inc.

Knowing what to say is often difficult. When no words come to mind, give a hug and say, “This is really hard for us,” “We’re in this together,” “We’re going to get through this together.”

Be honest with your child about what has happened and what is happening. Answer his or her questions with simple, accurate information but without going into morbid detail. You may need to answer the same questions over and over as the child seeks reassurance and an understanding of what happened.

Don’t deny the seriousness of the situation. Saying to the child, “Don’t cry, everything will be okay” does not reflect how the child is feeling and the child knows that, at least in the immediate future, this is not true.

Try to recognize the feeling underlying your child’s actions and put it into words. Saying something like, “It makes us mad to think about..., or “I can see that you are feeling really sad about this, so am I. Can I help?”

Provide extra attention and T.L.C. Increased physical comforting may be necessary to provide a sense of security for the child.

Allow children to express their feelings. It is most helpful if you simply listen and encourage them to express their feelings without making value judgments or telling them it will never happen again. Do reassure them that you will do all you can to make it as safe for them as possible.

Understand the kinds of fears and anxiety your child may be feeling. His or her fears may not be realistic but they are very real to them. You need to acknowledge and validate these concerns.

Prepare for difficulties your child may have at night. A longer bedtime routine, use of a night light, or more frequent checking in on the child may be necessary at first, but should be gradually withdrawn as the child feels more secure again.

Monitor interactions between siblings. Older children may be at a different stage in terms of their ability to understand the event and may have ways of coping, which may be confusing to younger children.

Have a family emergency plan and discuss this with your children (for example, where to go if there’s a problem, how to contact one another, where emergency supplies are kept, who should be called if the parent can not be reached).

Allow children who want to, an opportunity to help others. We all feel better if we can do something positive after a traumatic event.

Be good role models for your children by being authentic. Let them see how you are coping with the situation. Allow your children to see you express your feelings in appropriate ways.

Resume your regular schedule and activities as soon as possible.

Care, consistency and continuity give children a sense of safety.