Grief and Loss

by Crystal Harvey, M.A., Doctoral candidate at the Massachusetts School of Professional Psychology

Experiencing the loss of a loved one can elicit a range of responses in children of all ages. In fact, children's understanding of death and dying changes throughout their development and may influence the way they express their grief. Even very young children (under the age of 3) have reactions to the loss of a loved one. Although they don't have a cognitive understanding of death, they can be very sensitive to the reactions of those around them and may experience distress. As children grow and develop, their understanding of death and dying does as well. For more information on this topic, see The Development of Children's Understanding of Death and Dying.

What are some common grief responses?

The loss of a loved one can be experienced in a multitude of ways that include emotional, physical, psychological, and behavioral responses.

Emotional Responses

Sadness can be expressed in a variety of ways, but most commonly through crying.

Anger is very common in grieving children. Anger can be intense and directed toward the event, the “unfairness” of life, individuals either directly involved in the death or those the child perceives could have prevented it, the deceased, or themselves. Anger is sometimes displaced on to someone or something other than the true source of pain and may be easier for the child to express than sadness because sadness may feel more emotionally vulnerable than anger. Sometimes the feelings of anger may manifest themselves in general irritability.

Guilt may occur in grieving children, often because they are egocentric and feel that they are the cause of the loss, regardless of the circumstances surrounding the death. They may believe that “if I only had...” their loved one would still be with them.

Fear and Anxiety When a child loses a loved one, his/her world can feel unpredictable, unfamiliar, and unsafe. In the case of a child losing a parent or caregiver, it is important to answer the question “who will take care of me now?” When a child experiences loss for the first time, s/he becomes acutely aware of the possibility of additional losses and may begin to express fear and anxiety about losing other caregivers or even fear that they're “next.” These feelings also contribute to a sense of helplessness and powerlessness.

Feelings of abandonment can occur in children regardless of the circumstances surrounding the loss. The cry, “why did you leave me?” is common in children and adults alike.

Some children will experience worry as a part of their grieving; they may worry about other family members grief, finances, family chores, etc. These children may attempt to hide their grief from other family members, believing that they are “protecting” them.

Feelings of loneliness often occur when the loss is someone that was particularly close to the child, although others can fill the time, the special role of the loved one is still missing. It is common for a child to long and yearn for the lost one in the first year or two following the loss. During this time, children may have dreams about the deceased, talk with them, or think they saw them in a public place. Sensory experiences such as a scent or song may trigger acute yearning and sense of loss.

Shock or “shutting down” is more common with unexpected losses, but can occur even when the death is anticipated. When someone has suffered a lengthy illness, feelings of relief are often experienced. Some children are at peace with feelings of relief while others may question their loyalty to the deceased and feel guilty for feeling relieved. Some children feel numb after a significant loss, which may be confusing for them, but this numbness typically lasts only a few months.

Physical Symptoms

After medical causes have been ruled out, the following physical symptoms may be attributed to normal grief reactions:

  • Fatigue
  • Stomach pains
  • Appetite changes
  • Headaches
  • Tightness in throat or chest
  • Short breath
  • Weakness
  • Low energy
  • Dry mouth
  • Sensitive to noise and/or light

Behavioral Responses

  • Eating changes- either more or less
  • Absentmindedness
  • Withdrawal from others
  • Avoiding places or people that remind one of deceased
  • Searching and crying out for the deceased
  • Sighing
  • Crying

Are there any age-specific responses to grief?

 Yes. While the previously discussed responses are typical, the expression of grief can vary with development as the child's understanding of death and dying develops. Children and adults alike tend to experience regressive behavior with the loss of a loved one. A preschooler may express grief through toileting accidents, thumb sucking, excessive clinginess, exaggerated fears, excessive crying, temper tantrums, and stubbornness. These children fully expect their loved one to return.  Elementary school-aged children may experience problems in school and difficulty attending and learning.  They may also show a preoccupation with the loss and related worries, become agitated or angry frequently, begin bedwetting, or develop eating and or sleeping difficulties. Pre-teens and early adolescents may develop physical symptoms, have frequent mood swings, increase risk-taking and self-destructive behaviors, show oppositional behavior, withdraw from adults, experience a lack of concentration and attention, and test limits. While adolescents seek independence and prefer to share their feelings with friends, they may seek adult attention at the same time; this attention seeking is often sought out through negative behaviors.

How can I help a child experiencing grief?

Children need to feel safe and loved and need to know that there are people in their lives that are there for them and will allow them to grieve at their own pace. Let the child know that you are available and willing to listen when s/he is ready to talk, even if s/he isn't ready to talk, you can offer to spend some time with him/her- don't be afraid to laugh and have fun! If you also know the person who died, share your memories of them with the child and be authentic and share your feelings as well- it's okay for you to cry too, children will learn how to express their grief through your modeling. Share things that have been helpful to you in trying times and invite the child to create rituals or remembrance ceremonies. Understand that grief has no timeline and that some days may be better than others. Address the child's fears and fantasies and challenge any magical thinking.

But what do I say?

There are no magic words that can heal children's pain, just letting them know you're there and care about them is enormously helpful, but if you are at a loss for words, here are some things to say that can be helpful:

  • I'm sorry ________________ died.
  • What was _________________ like?
  • Tell me about __________________?
  • What do you miss the most?
  • What is the hardest part for you?
  • I cannot know how you feel, but I remember how I felt when my ___________died.
  • I care about you.
  • I care about how you are feeling.
  • Is there anything I can do to help?
  • Can I change anything (in the environment/classroom) to make you feel more comfortable?
  • Would you like to talk about it?
  • I'm available at (time/place) if you want to come by to talk.
  • Whenever you want to talk about it, I'm, here for you.
  • I'm thinking about you.
  • I'm here to listen if you want to talk, or just spend time together if you don't want to talk.
  • I don't know what to say.

Don't be afraid to let the child know that you feel helpless and you don't know what to say or do. Actions speak louder than words- just the physical presence of someone who cares is helpful. Sometimes a hug or kind gesture can be more healing than words. Don't wait for a child to ask for help, just say or do something to open the door.

The information in the article above was drawn from the following sources:

Additional Sources of Information

Disclaimer: Material on the Project INTERFACE web site is intended as general information. It is not a recommendation for treatment, nor should it be considered medical or mental health advice. Project INTERFACE urges families to discuss all information and questions related to medical or mental health care with a health care professional.